Juice Detox – Yep, I paid for one

August 29, 2010 § 3 Comments

Hypocrite. Let’s just put it out there shall we? Why? I tried a detox. Yep, I went against everything I said and thought I’d have a go. Still why? During the height of my detox-bagging period I was confronted by a friend who asked how I could be so anti something that I have never tried. My argument of natural liver functioning, energy levels, starvation, mood swings, muscle loss and all the rest of it fell on deaf ears so I thought FINE! I would try a detox! (and now I can argue with foundations).

In the detox world it would seem that ‘paid-for detoxing’ is all the rage, the thought of people actually squeezing their own juices is truly laughable, so I began scouring the internet for companies that wanted to charge me through the teeth for a few glasses of carrot. A detoxing friend uses and recommends Urban Remedy so I checked them out and it looked as good (insert ironic eyebrow raise here) as any.

This company does a selection of 1, 3 and 5 day cleanses. If you opt for one day it’s more fruit based with less vegetable matter and it goes progressively hardcore from there (the level 3, which is 5 days, will apparently move you one step closer to nirvana. Big call). After much deliberation I decided on the ‘winter warmer’ (a fourth option that is similar to the level 2), which included two soups – probably a good starting point for a novice. So I placed my order for Tuesday delivery, thought-pattern: a detox on Wednesday means it’s nearly time for a weekend treat, and choosing Monday seemed both cruel and unusual. I also only signed up for a one day cleanse because, at $75 a day, I really couldn’t justify the cost (that’s $200 for 3 days or $325 for 5 days…I may as well take a holiday!)

I spend Tuesday eliminating the little caffeine and (ridiculous amounts of) dairy that I have in my diet to prepare the *ahem* temple. Then I got to thinking. Perhaps this will be for  me. Perhaps I will feel better than ever before. Perhaps I will be escalated to a state of self-actualisation that is above the ego of all human beings.

The package arrives. I peek inside. There they are. The liquid.

Wednesday begins.

Juice 1.

Apple, lemon, cos lettuce, celery, silverbeet, parsley and cucumber.

This juice tastes like I’ve morphed into a cow and woken up with grass in my mouth. It’s drinkable, the first half anyway, but I couldn’t get my head around the punch of cucumber. I thought cucumber never punched, only pickled. It’s so ridiculously concentrated that I could visualise my skin turning green with every sip.

Herbal tea and glass of water (as much as i want apparently)

Juice 2. (post yoga, during which I realise that I am somewhat hungry and half a green juice wasn’t as satisfying as some might try to make you believe)

Lemon, Water, Agave nectar, cayenne pepper

6 words. Sucking. On. A. Hot. Lemon. Face.

Verdict: undrinkable and I learnt from Sarah Wilson’s blog that agave nectar is as highly caloric as corn syrup

Juice 3/soup 1. (not the recommended 2 hours after juice 2 but I was bored and unsatisfied)

Sweet potato, leek, pumpkin, ginger, vegetable stock.

I thought this one had potential, I really did. Until I poked the orange content and it bounced back at me like a trampoline. This sure wasn’t like any soup I’d made before…Heating it up in the microwave with some chopped parsley and a little S&P (don’t know if that’s cheating or not) I noticed that even hot the rubberiness didn’t dissipate. It reminded me of some of those cans of pumpkin soup you can buy that taste artificial and leave a thick feeling through your belly.

Ate half. I feel like I’m not getting my money’s worth here!

Juice 4. Post more water and herbal tea

Pineapple, apple and mint

This was actually really delicious, but it’s just fruit juice and I thought I shouldn’t hit my body with so much sugar if it’s meant to be cleansing. Drank half but put the second half in the freezer for an afternoon slushie on another day.

Juice 5/soup 2. Dinner.

Asparagus, broccoli, peas, cashew nuts, stock.

Green pumpkin soup with a little more depth. Chew your juice, they tell me, to feel more satisfied. Instead I drank it rather quickly and then went into the kitchen to make a casserole for later in the week just to preoccupy my idle cooking-habit hands.

Juice 6. Dessert

Cashew nut, coconut milk smoothie

I really did like this one. Grateful for final winner.

So how did I feel? Obviously with a one day cleanse there won’t be side-effects (skin breakout, furry tongue, bad breathe, shakes and eventual feeling of clean lightness) but I sure did feel tired not having something a little more sustaining to help me through the day. The biggest thing for me was that I was just bored. It’s boring! Your meals are over in minutes, there’s no cooking or preparation, it seems unsociable to ‘sit and chat’ over agave water when everyone else is having tea and scones and it just didn’t taste good!

I’m considering, considering, attempting a couple of days in summer when I do a homemade detox – squeeze my own juices, coconut milk smoothies and possibly vegetable broths. At least then the experience of meal-time would go on a little longer.

But for now. Here it is. I. Disagree. With. Detoxing.

And if you want to argue – bite me (if you remember how to chew).


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§ 3 Responses to Juice Detox – Yep, I paid for one

  • Sally says:

    Hypocrite indeed. And how can you judge a detox when you did one for just one day? Do a real detox. This is just bad journalism.

    • Sally perhaps I wasn’t clear in saying that I was unimpressed with the BOUGHT detox that I did – the juices themselves, and I certainly don’t think that doing three or five days would have made a speck of difference. I also wrote that I was willing to try a lengthier detox if I was to make the juices myself so they weren’t either too much sugar or congealed soup. And this is a blog. It’s not journalism.

      • Sally says:

        How is reporting in blog not a form of journalism. Granted it is not very well informed one. And you said, and I quote; “I disagree with detoxing.” not “I disagree with this detox.” Of course doing a longer detox will be a different experience, doing it for one day just leaves you hungry without the actual benifits of the detox. Do it for a week, BE OBJECTIVE, and have an informed opinion.

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